Bemused…

Let me put down an excerpt of the memo I received the other day: ‘…As you know, the ETA for the product launch is TBD. Meanwhile, Pls send me your PoV on the new trends asap. I need to respond to Bob’s query by EOD. BTW, the other note I sent was FYI….’

Now, look in the mirror. If you are staring at a dumbstruck face with a ‘duh’ bubble hanging above the head, chances are that you are not an IT professional, or that you have not yet ‘arrived’ as an IT professional. IT is a great industry to be in, and thankfully, I belong there. I love these acronyms, they speed up my typing, make the reader feel I am super busy, and most importantly, projects my seniority and authority (usually one gets a chance to use these only after putting in the proverbial donkey’s years in the industry). Keep that mirror right there, ‘cos what I am going to write further can produce expressions you have never seen appear on your face.

Before going any further, let me clear one misconception that a layman has – See, people think the IT industry is driven by ‘Techies’. I don’t agree. The IT industry has 2 sets of people – the ‘Techies’ (the minority - guys who do all the work), and ‘Talkies’ (Majority - Guys who people think does all the work). The IT industry is driven by ‘Talkies’. You don’t agree? Why do you think people call IT growth as ‘Tech bubble’? Because the bubble is formed by the gas in the industry.

Still don’t agree? Let me give you data to prove this theory. Have you heard of any technology that has become caught on in the market without an associated buzz word like ‘Next generation’, ‘revolutionary’, ‘Brekthru’ et al? Let me introduce to some of the IT best practices – feel free to use these tips without any royalty. If you would like to pass on some of your boring, mundane work to one of your less privileged colleagues, give him the title ‘Champion’ – as in ‘Operations Champion’, ‘Quality Champion’. The poor guy will work his a** out, and get the work done for you before he realizes the trap and attains wisdom in this topic. See, you get the credit for getting the work done, as well as for coaching this person for the next role.

Next, if you need to form a group that does some specific task, never call it a team. Call it ‘Task force’, ‘committeee’ or a ‘cell’. Make sure you follow it up with a beautiful logo, a website with lotsa content on what the logo is supposed to mean etc. If you want to call a team meeting, call it an ‘All hands meet’. If you want to pass on some bad feedback to your subordinate, use the word ‘perception’ as many times as you can. If one of the ‘Techies’ in your group opposes to your idea in a meeting, you say that you will take the item ‘offline’- This is an important lesson in conflict resolution.

Always hype the work you do – Always use ‘Program’ instead of ‘Project’. Don’t forget to highlight wherever possible that this program is of ‘strategic’ importance to your client. If you need to talk about an issue, always call it a ‘challenge’ – not an issue. When you come up with a solution for this challenge, ensure that you term it as a ‘Framework’ or a ‘Platform’. And if you are not able to think of a solution, you could fall back on a universal solution for all problems – creation of a ‘Dashboard’.

Try to get into as many mail distribution lists as possible. This is a measure of how important you are in the organization, and it also will keep you busy (through a steady stream of email chains on, often times, unimportant things). Always use the term ‘revamp’ even if you have done only some small incremental work (Particularly useful for website development work – Eg: I revamped the website). Last but not the least; ensure you get to be out of office at least 2-3 times a month (travel to different locations of your office in the pretext of attending strategic meetings) so that you can set your ‘out of office assistant’ mails. This will seal your position as a high flier.

So much for now…Got tips? share ‘em.

humor, tech bubble, project management, IT

Technorati Tags: IT professional

Stumble it!